wish you were here

Sometimes just your existing can make me smile. Does that sound insane? I hope not. Thing is, now I’m pretty much affirmative that I’m just in love with the dream, the idea of you. Seems so bloody cliché. I suppose you know you have become that when everything you write can be summarised by some soda pop song, played in strange fast food joints on old top 40s shows. That's why I think I need to say good-bye. Don’t get me wrong. It's actually scarily comfortable being in love with a vision. You really believe in it; you get to experience the whole range of emotions. Just imposition. At base, men can be divided into about five basic stereotypes. 1. The bad-boy who's just dying to be saved (several time people's choice awardee!), 2. the saint, protector of all small animals, often bizarre things like cockroaches included, 3. the strange science guy to pseudo intellectual types, often disenfranchised, yet firm believers in their causes, 4. the jocks: the men that hide behind high talk and much bravado, appear too stupid to care but who knows and 5. the girl’s-best-friend-I-completely-understand types. Of course there are exceptions and more often than not there are compromises. I think first loves are always however stereotypes. Before you’re old enough to understand nuance and suggestion, the first is often a product of your own imagination. So maybe that’s why. Because I will always love you for what you are not, and worse, what you cannot be.

On a completely unrelated note, I think the word tactile is fabulous. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this now, about the significance of touch: how much it means, how much it suggests, how much we require it. And I suppose that there is no other way to encompasses everything so completely emotive in such a simple way, so clean, clinical, effective- tactile. Sometimes I think that if I could just touch you, hold you, kiss you, that everything would be better. But you know, every you refers to a different person, and that’s how I suppose I now, with absolute certainty, that what I believe is not true.